As unromantic as it sounds, once the intensity of the early relationship wears off (and it does), desire is truly a decision - a decision to make it a priority to have an emotionally satisfying sexual relationship with your partner. Like physical fitness, it doesn’t just happen. YOU decide to make it happen. YOU choose to keep your sexual energy alive.
If you are taking the time to read this, congratulate yourself. There are millions of people in your shoes right now who won’t acknowledge there is a problem.
Unsatisfying sexual relationships are often the cause of infidelity. Having an unfaithful spouse is not something you want to experience. It is incredibly painful. If you know your spouse is sexually unhappy, but you don’t really desire sex and therefore are not much motivated to put any energy into improving your sex life, can you really expect your partner to remain faithful?
It is estimated that 1 out of 3 couples struggle with low sexual desire. Complaints about low sexual desire are the most common sexual issue I see in my practice. People who have low sexual desire usually have partners who desperately long for more physical intimacy and connection.
Typically what happens when women become focused on their new role as mothers is that they are fatigued. Sleep is what women crave, not sex. Men no longer feel important. They take it personally and worry that their wives are no longer attracted to them. Sleep deprived, overworked and hormonally challenged, women have little time, energy or interest in taking care of their husbands’ needs.
And so, after repeated rejections, men often stop investing energy in their relationship. They focus instead on work and friends and distance themselves. The more they distance themselves, the less inclined their wives feel to be sexual, leaving both partners feeling empty. What results are parallel lives, lived in close proximity, but without emotional connection. Sex is a very important part of marriage. It can offer couples an opportunity to connect emotionally and spiritually. It encourages closeness and a sense of partnership.
I have been a marriage and family therapist for a long time and I can tell you that once you start paying more attention to your sexual relationship, your spouse will become a happier person. When you show caring to your more highly sexed partner by making sex more of a priority in your marriage, he/she will appreciate your efforts and become loving and more interested in you as a person.
There may be another payoff to becoming more sexual if you’re the one who is never (it seems) “in the mood”. Some experts have begun to question our “one size fits all” theory of sexual desire. If you never have out-of-the-blue sexual urges; if you never find yourself fantasizing about sex, you just may be one of those people who experience desire differently. For you, once you decide to become sexual with your partner, you find the stimulation pleasurable and then you become aroused. Of course, once you feel aroused you experience sexual desire.
So, your body - not your mind - tells you that you want sex. Your desire kicks in once the right buttons have been pushed. Imagine that! There’s nothing wrong with you! You are simply different! In other words, you’re never "in the mood" for sex, but once you get started, you really enjoy it. So, once you no longer see yourself as flawed, this could lead to a new view of yourself as a more sensual, desirable sexual person.
I help people in many areas of therapy
Individual and marriage counselling, grief and depression, stress and career changes, addictions and anxiety, self esteem and assertiveness and more. I help people lead more satisfying lives.